31 days ago I made a promise to myself to do yoga for 30 days straight.
I was seeing that I had broken so many promises I made to me in the past and wanted to honor my word to myself. I think women do this a lot. We keep promises to others but not to our self. I have been going through so many different emotions, I wanted to take the time to feel my feelings and process any pain. To make time for my pain and not avoid it. To not lose myself further.
I have always worked out for my outer appearance. To be thinner and more toned. To fit the mold I thought I needed to be. This is the first time I went for me.
I show up and face myself everyday whether I am happy or sad or anything in between. I just go and surrender to what is.
I listen intently to what the teacher has to say and know I am exactly where I need to be. It feels like life school. Reminders of truths I know but have forgotten.
Her words have healed me and helped me process.
There have been many days where I have layed in shavasana and cried. Tears running down my face as I feel my heart. As I listen to my heart.
Whenever I am in a difficult pose, I think of a situation in life that’s I am having a hard time accepting. I let the situation become the pose and try to find grace and determination in it.
At times I would need to lay down and feel what was coming up while others went on with their workout.
I can no longer hold in my feelings. If they come up, I can’t wear a mask to make others feel more comfortable.
One day I went I felt broken emotionally. I sat in the back of class. My body was capable of finishing the class but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to feel what was brewing inside. I layed down and stayed there for the remainder of class. I went deep into my soul and felt all of it. I was in the yoga of my mind. It was exactly what I needed at the moment. When I would come out of it at times I felt the need to get up and work out. To not just lay in class. Then I would remind myself that I was there for me, not to prove myself or abilities to others.
I was there to listen to me, to witness me.
30 days of yoga have given me an awareness I didn’t have before.
It has taught me that I am
Ok right where I am. That some days are easy and some days are hard.
That there are people that will accept you just as you are. That I can keep promises to myself. That there is no perfection but there is progress.
That having a toned body means nothing if you don’t have a clear head.
That I am special and so is everyone else.
That I will be in- tension in my intention and it’s for me to find peace in it.
That love is all that really matters and that taking time to be aware of that is what brings you more love.
I am so grateful for this experience and have to thank Lulu and waves yoga Kauai for allowing me the space and sharing so much truth daily with me.